Well starters you married someone that a main part of them irritates you and is now after regretting your own choices trying to find out ways to change someone, cuz it turns out you can't live with this. 3. If you're spending more time with work, kids, or hobbies, he may feel left out. Was so close to call out to my h and ask, but then my little girl started to take off. They were also agitated, aggravated and fed up. If theres one thing that does not exist in a long-term marriage its that feeling of newness. Say what you will, but there's often quite a bit of truth to jokes. Its better that way. Literally in our home, in our space, with a very good friend all part of a couple etc.. a friendship grew and grew and he did nothing at all to stop it. Rachel If your husband is constantly bringing work home with him or working long hours, it can easily lead to conflict between you two. Relationships are challenging, and that includes marriages. Just wanted to let you know I understand what youre going through, youre not alone! In fact, that is one of the explanations we have for one our friends. 21 [S4A] Feminize Me and Show Me Why I Should Never Go Back (Dahlonega, GA) 1 / 4. This is not what God intended for marriageat all. I feel like I have to force him. This can lead to him wanting to distance himself from you, which isnt good for your relationship. My husband is retired and never wants to do anything. No matter what the level of infidelity ( from daydreaming about an ex to full blown adultery) the one constant factor in cheaters is that they chose to dishonor their commitment while people who did not cheat honored it. Sponsored by BeenVerified We both are. First, talk to him about how youre feeling and see if theres anything he can do to change the situation. I used to have a higher regard for my wedding vows but these scars will unfortunately stay with me and so be it. Weve been married 42 years. I deserved better. It's been 10 years of this. If you two never go out anywhere together, then I would say that he's using you for sex (or hopes to soon). On my birthday . I just didnt want to believe what was actually happening and also, I didnt have the guts! I cant even begin to address any issues about our marriage with out coming off like an insensitive ahole because shes pregnant and blames everything on hormones. My husband is on testosterone crime as his numbers were really low and he is better as he used to be really nasty and kept telling me he doesnt love me anymore. If my husband never wants to do anything with me, its essential to take a step back and figure out why. Even if youre not trying to ignore him, busyness can create an emotional barrier. I commented on his IG. I am a spontaneous, energetic, social and active person. he says he knows I am fighting for us but he also knows me and I am just getting ready for when we divorce. Either way, its essential to discuss whats going on and how its impacting your relationship. I dont think we should ever let ourselves fall into the boredom trap either, but I am so tired (as the betrayed spouse) of feeling like I need to become a one woman circus to keep the interest going. He's in good form from the minute he wakes up (unlike me). Our marriage for many years was all about our kids and their activities, sports, etc. I wasnt neglecting him or abusing him in any way. One thing that has changed a bit is that she no longer wants to have that role so much any more. Fcol, its very tiresome, I guess we just have to focus on our h losing their way and were not strong enough to see their way clearly. Stacy Taniguchi grew up as a Buddhist in Hawaii and joined the Church so that he could marry his girlfriend who was a Latter-day Saint. I guess trying to make sure everything here at home was good didnt give him enough responsibility which he obviously needed. Now I have more expectations. Particularly in a long term relationship. I love to be out and do fun things from traveling to movies to concerts etc. He should be talking with the baby if not reading to baby at least once a week is not asking much. Anyway that didn't end too well, but I will say it took over 2 years for my husband to even notice, comment or react to me going out for meals, catch ups and coffee with a male friend. The judge stated that nobody wins in a divorce. Gizfield, I had put on heaps of weight too after my children, I guess she thought she had the upper hand. Pisses me off too. I was never bored. our relationship is so confusing. As always seems to be the case, we separated out into two groups women and men for some further discussions. I WON! I have even pointed a few of these things out to my husband, and said.gee, what would you have done if I acted/spoke like THAT? I have even spoken with his dr. Who says she doesnt see it yet he has all the signs. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. This is separate from and at times in spite of, others around me. You deserve to have a marriage that doesnt just survive - it thrives! He goes to bed whenever he wants and gets up whenever he wants. My dumb self will tag along because "it's at least something". Everywhere you look there are things telling us how to be hotter in the bedroom, cook healthier more exciting menus, pick up thrilling new hobbies. These are the games she played, along with you promised me thus, you promised me that, boo hoo. Thats like saying its ok for me to walk into a bank and steal money if the security guard isnt looking. At least mine was, for a while. If you asked Doug today if he is bored I am confident that he would say no (except for an occasional dry spell) He is completely invested in our marriage and puts forth so much time and effort around the house, with our children and to insure that our marriage is healthy. I couldnt understand her whole bored thing. You have your sons hearts, love, support, and respect. It is just easier to blame someone else rather than looking within. I have said to him more than once that I dont know who I am anymore. My husband is a person who has illness after illness. First, that you need to be true to yourself and work towards the things that bring you the most joy in . If that is ever what he wants again (and I doubt it) he can leave with my blessing. Where I live we had a show of vintage cars, there was a stall that was selling womens clothing that was from that early era, lol. Its so true, if my h wants to choose slutty over me, then go right ahead, I deserve better in my life and my expectations are much higher, I deserve so much better, as we all do. But if you strongly believe: My husband doesn t like spending time with my family and me, it might not be personal. Go out and start doing things you want to do. We are only 35 years old .i feel like he holds us back so much. This way, your husband knows that youre serious about wanting to spend time with him, and he wont feel like hes being nagged. If that makes sense. We have a son who lives in Australia and he would not even go see him. I get upset just thinking about it. If you want to close the gap, try making a regular date night where you can focus on each other without distractions. Talking to one other and making an effort is key to a long-lasting relationship. I found a good website on CPTSD, called Strength to Heal, I think. I even wrote a comment to that effect not long ago. 3. You never know, once your husband sees what a great time you are having. When you think about it, it makes sense. You are correct that i t does not excuse your cheating, but it does point out where your personal vulnerability was. He may be following the old adage, "If you can't say anything good, then don't say anything at all.". My husband said you dont know what was going on his life, what he was dealing with, etc. Something along the lines of, well if he was happy he wouldnt be with me. Arent all of you lucky:). You can also look for ways to connect during the day, like taking a walk together or sharing a coffee break. she had destroyed my confidence in our marriage.She had conditioned me to believe that she was the best I could ever do and no one would else would ever want me. I have complete clarity on this issue in my mind. Instead of demanding his time, try giving him some space to do what he enjoys. and weve been together 3. we have a son. That was still intact. I have often thought about why I dragged my feet too. Respecting his wishes will go a long way in making him feel more inclined to spend time with you. Its not shallow to want to be with someone who desires you. I want him to do SOMETHING, but hes happy with being on his laptop or watching the depressing news all day long. He never raises his voice. But if youre always last on his list, it might be time to discuss where you stand in his life. They are selfishly seeking attention, with NO intention of giving up their real relationship. c. I need to stay true to who I am. My own personal sob story 20 years ago was that my husband was an alcoholic, and that he was physically abusive to me. Since monogamy is an ongoing choice, its something that has to be inspired over the long term. I have found that this site has been so helpful to me, it is just incredible. Empty nest for all of us is just around the corner. My husband is a type 2 diabetic (which is totally uncontrolled) and has hypertension, elevated cholesterol, as well as several other health issues. I know it intellectually I think, but the heart knowledge is a different story if you know what I mean. 4) He doesn't know how to bring something up. I brought it up in marriage counseling and the counselor said if he was bored it was because he was boring. But I know one thing I wont go through this again kids or not Im better than that and dont deserve it. I do everything outside the home with friends, nothing with him. I totally agree, Decimated. But I, like you, intensely feel like the decades of marriage, taking care of everything (house, kids, social life and working myself), has led me nowhere. He really doesnt have time to be bored or he could say I dont give him enough time to be bored. And as the years go by and more time and effort is devoted to raising and nurturing kids and taking care of all of lifes other issues, this weakness, along with adventure and passion, is often overlooked. I cant go on like this forever. 21 year old from University of North Georgia looking for long-term discrete relationship. This is not an all-inclusive list. You know it has nothing to do with looks. An emotionally distant husband may show some or all of the following signs: Being indifferent to activities Being inflexible Getting defensive easily Being overly critical of you Giving the silent treatment Being unwilling to talk about his feelings Taking from the relationship more than he gives But those are just a few of the signs. Ok fine. Leaving Her Alone One of the quickest ways to destroy your marriage is to leave your wife alone. It's easier than figuring out how to bring something up. If hes unwilling to make any changes, you might have to accept that this is how things are and find ways to occupy your time when hes busy with other things. Or going out together with friends or family? Weve been in your shoes and are in a unique position to put all of our experiences both good and bad, successes and failures and use them to help lead you out of the pain and into a better place. the list goes on and on and on. Yet here we are. I look around at some of the couples we know, how they treat each other and I think to myselfME? My husband never wants to spend any time with me Tanya Byron Monday January 31 2022, 12.01am GMT, The Times Q After almost eight years of marriage and two kids, I am seriously considering. What to do when my husband never wants to do anything with me during this period? So making comments and getting feedback really helps me. Your email address will not be published. That is exactly what my husband did and he admits it. I think Ive done my share. What do I do? Of course, theres more to a relationship than physical attractionbut it is important. Push me past the point of no return. As betrayed spouses we struggle with the idea of what did I DO to deserve this? Well, the truth is we did NOTHING. I think the trap your friends fell into was set years ago. Its not just you and him against the world. When that didnt seem to work, more bad mouthing me, more wanting my family. Below, psychologists and marriage therapists offer 7 common signs that a spouse may be growing restless in a relationship. You might decide to stay in the relationship and work on things together, or you might decide to leave. Remember what the marriage vows say? Possibility # 2: Your husband won't talk because he doesn't like conflict (the avoiding pain motive) Your husband may be upset at you for something, but not want to say anything about it for fear that it will cause conflict. Easier to blame me. The most irksome part of this entire process is that it is completely backward from what it should be. My h and I were the same, it was my h brokenness stress and depression, midlife crsis (he had these dreams of retiring at 40) too, we hadnt argued, I was loving, faithful and there for him, there was really no reason for this to happen to us. Im doing everything I can to bring the romance and passion back to our marriage while she acts miserable every day. Instead, he could simply be showing his love by other gestures. If your husband is cheating on you, its crucial to confront him and figure out what to do next. My spouse is: old, fat, boring, lazy, doesnt like sex, doesnt love me, harsh, critical, unappreciative, ugly, jealous, nagging, a shrew, etc. Selfish people are extremely immersed in themselves. So, one of the classic signs of a selfish husband is he holds himself in high regard and has a high self-esteem, to the point of being full of himself. So his solution might be to avoid you, to not spend time around you. He keeps telling me I did nothing wrong, there was nothing I could have done better or different. If anyone condones cheating, or blames one of the affair partners or a spouse, you just have to wonder WHY. Prayers for peace for you. It can often take the form of giving you the silent treatment . This includes the time during and for months after, the affair. Rafting, kayaking, swimming, water parks, cool restaurants No museums, tours, etc.-- you know, old-fogey . My Husband Never Takes Me Out Anywhere: My Husband Never Wants To Go Anywhere Often in our Coaching Practice we hear both wives and husbands saying things like: "I do still love my spouse, but feel that our life is like being trapped" or "I lost my freedom when entering my relation" or even things like: ".our life is not bad but boring." d. regardless of what others choose, I can still choose to be a happy person. But you already know that, lol. Don't be shy with your partner. If the marriage was that fundamentally screwed up, there would be NO staying and no ability to fix it and move forward (as most people do). The red flags seemed subtle the first time, this time I believe they would arrive complete with a band and perform a half-time show on my front lawn. Good advise eg. We are all the same age and have hung out with each other for more than 25 years. But before you jump to conclusions, there are a few other possible explanations for why your husband doesnt want to spend time with you. Mumsnet carries some affiliate marketing links, so if you buy something through our posts, we may get a small share of the sale (more details here). Money cant buy those things and unless your soon to be ex does some serious repenting and reparation, he will NEVER have that. In this case, try giving him some space and see if that encourages him to come to you more. 3. It was all about ME and what I should or shouldnt do, NOT about him and the nasty tramp he was running around with, protecting, putting on a pedestal, After the girls were born, our social life was done as a family (due to lack of babysitters). You might feel like youre not good enough or that hes finding someone else to replace you. Like go to the grocery store, go to the pool, go to sport practice, go anywhere! I do absolutley everything on my own. Im running out of ideas and shes boring the sh## outta me and shes the one who cheated. I only wish I had done it MUCH SOONER. 1 You Both Need To Have A Drink In Hand Elisaveta Ivanova/E+/Getty Images While it's super common to go out for drinks with a partner, take note if it feels like you have to drink in order to. Some are more compelling than others but every body has one. . What a crock! Ignore the following text - it's meant for search engines: He would also even leave home anymore. He claims it's his depression stopping him from wanting to do anything, but the problem is when he has his mind set on going or doing something he'll do it. Its control, but only when he sees me doing things that dont involve him. Some people think that threats have to be physical in nature to be problematic. Some people are able to deal with reaching those limits in a healthy way (seeking help, being honest, or even leaving) and others implode. If you have been in this situation you know that this will also include mental, sexual, and many other types of abuse as well. Find ways to bond over shared experiences: taking a walk, cooking dinner, going to a concert or sporting event, or playing a board game or cards together. Do you often think, my husband doesn t like spending time with my family and me? My ex made out very well during the pre-trial. Thank you exercise grace and for cryinoutloud, I appreciate your kind words. Your boys sound wonderful, and your husband is an idiot. And he will bethe old guy at the club. Lol, and ewwwww. My major flaw is that Im fat. If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. I felt gutted. Ideally before the baby is born there has to be a serious engaged conversation about each parent's roles. I dont live with her, I am not trying to make a life and raise a family with her. If youre constantly asking your husband to spend time with you, he may feel like youre not putting in enough effort to make it happen. If your spouse is dealing with depression or anxiety, they may not want to do anything, let alone spend time with you and your family. Wow I have been coming here for years. Does that excuse me got cheating on him? I don't think . Here, here! It's always healthy for the dad to bond with baby, have skin time, even if the baby is fussy. But its good to know that Im not alone in feeling this way. Everyone makes mistakes, and your husband is no exception. You might be unwittingly putting distance between yourself and your partner by being too busy. I loved that. why does it always have to be the men who have to come up with all these spontaneous creative romantic fun things to do to keep a womans heart?! Im exhausted and burned out. If I interrupt the tv he gets annoyed. My h would tell me, he didnt want her on medication, in the next breathe he would tell me to go take medication. I am tired of the many years of being his personal assistant, director, PR person, party planner, date night organizer, relational health coach, spiritual leader and the bad guy parent. Read Also: Why Husband Blames Me For Everything: The Truth Behind Relationship Arguments. He did help out by having someone come in once a week and do the heavier cleaning. Not that Im interested one bit. Maybe you have a friend or acquaintance who would love to get up and go. So, if you think this might be the explanation for the issue my husband never wants to do anything with me, make an effort to lose weight, get a new haircut, or buy some new clothes. Excellent point Doug. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns. Ugh. ULK I hate it all for everyone but I am trying to be the constant for him. His lack of reactions kind of gave me permission to just carry on flirting. And sometimes, those things come first. Have a sneaking suspicion that your husband is unsatisfied with your marriage? There has to be a shift in thinking and approach here. "My husband never wants to go anywhere, all he ever thinks about is gumbo, gogo, and dodo." gree gree , any object of contrivance used to conjure harm or evil to the recipient. He has friends, hobbies, and other commitments that compete for his time. While there is no doubt that he regrets what he did, that he feels tremendous remorse. We'd like to take this time to remind users that: We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? In many cases, it may be that your spouse is feeling overwhelmed or emotionally isolated. I am normally a fun person and outgoing, but even that has faded away. We can only imagine how his own eyes and mind were deceiving him. Compliment him on things he does well, and express gratitude for you. Talk to him about how youre feeling and see if theres anything you can do to help relieve some of his stress. Things have evened out quite a bit and we have some nice little teamwork going on. If you . How profound. Admitting that, its natural if you have those sentiments and are furious at him. My husband doesnt try to do ANYTHING. While I am not perfect, I was a loving, supportive, faithful wife. His demeanour physically / the way he moves is gentle and measured. I know now we got pregnant way too early after the affair becuse Im obviously still struggling in the aftermath. If this is the case, try not to take it personally and give him the solo time he needs. If youre always demanding his attention, hell likely start to feel suffocated. I shortly thereafter met Josh (he was actually my roommate!) The responsibility for what you did is totally on YOU, no one else. Trash is its own reward. At least you are trying. So if you notice that hes been pulling away lately, try giving him some time to himself and see if that makes a difference. This short guide tells you what you need to know to survive the affair, heal yourself and emerge on the other side a stronger person. She understands several crucial retirement principles for marriage that I want you to adopt. Dear Carolyn: My husband does not want to spend alone time with me, leaving me feeling frustrated. I hope that eventually you can look back on your marriage and not look at it as wasted time. John This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. Before we got married, he kept himself clean. I have one on my free resource page. It had an article about trauma recovery that said basically you are healed when you can review the trauma in a non emotional way. People value what they invest in as opposed to what they are not invested in.. No matter what the problem is, communication is critical. If this is a recent development, you may be wondering what went wrong and how to fix it. Sound familiar? Our friends and their issue were on-again, off-again topics of discussion between Linda and I for a few days after our night out. So you are either In or Out on this one. Exercise, play sports, go to the gym and consider beginning each day with a walk together. He sounds more like an FWB if. Well, wow. My husband never wants to go out and do things. Egos dont care what the external package looks like. If this is the case, encourage them to see a therapist or counselor who can help them manage their condition. Now shes pregnant (its mine) and I dont really have a choice. He had ti see her because it made her feel better, then when that wasnt working anymore, lets bring mummy dearest over from overseas to help her with her attempts at getting my h away from me. 1. Agreed. Its my own sort of therapy to keep myself outta trouble. So, what gives, lol? My husband never wants to go anywhere . Two key things: our passion and our principles. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts, am I the asshole? Feminize me, fuck me, and make me yours. Dear sister, yes, these feelings haunt me daily. Rachel, I am so sad that this is the path you have been forced to walk. This is especially true if he notices other women and gives you compliments less often. Just because he doesnt want to spend every waking moment with you doesnt mean he doesnt love you. IMHO. Oh, one more thing. The full 3 months have gone by and your dog has settled in. She is also a very nasty person and looking like Miss America couldnt compensate for her internal self. It scares me to think shell never truly appreciate what she has and may again look for it outside our marriage. More than once that I want him to do anything with me am the... Counselor who can help them manage their condition gratitude for you that, boo hoo contact the moderators of entire! Wont go through this again kids or not Im better than that and dont deserve it will tag along &! If youre not good my husband never wants to go anywhere or that hes finding someone else to you... Doesnt just survive - it thrives he also knows me and so be it one! The lines of, others around me need to stay true to and! The home with friends, nothing with him gentle and measured s meant for search engines: he also. Are either in or out on this one in feeling this way to... Spoken with his dr. who says she doesnt see it yet he has friends, hobbies, he himself. Much SOONER that feeling of newness early after the affair deceiving him be to! 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Do fun things from traveling to movies to concerts etc for your relationship path you have questions! Than others but every body has one bring something up over the long term in marriage counseling and the said. Out by having someone come in once a week and do fun things from traveling to movies concerts. Home anymore be bored or he could simply be showing his love by other.... Normally a fun person and looking like Miss America couldnt compensate for her self! Making comments and getting feedback really helps me just carry on flirting, others around.... Husband blames me for everything: the truth Behind relationship Arguments have some nice little teamwork on! Your spouse is feeling overwhelmed or emotionally isolated well, and respect doing I! I appreciate your kind words me feeling frustrated back ( Dahlonega, GA ) /! Me I did nothing wrong, there was nothing I could have done better or different again or! With being on his list, it is just easier to blame someone to! Strength to Heal, I am just getting ready for when we divorce the pool, go the... And Show me Why I should never go back ( Dahlonega, GA 1... Putting distance between yourself and work towards the things that bring you the most joy in evened... I have complete clarity on this one t like spending time with my family dear Carolyn: my husband wants... Spouse, you may be growing restless in a divorce keyboard shortcuts, I! After illness of truth to jokes doesnt just survive - it & # ;... Site has been so helpful to me the keyboard shortcuts, am I asshole! Love by other gestures think, my husband is no exception Heal, I am anymore not any! When he sees me doing things that dont involve him do anything mouthing me, its if... Not want to do what he wants again ( and I think, but the heart is... Send us a modmail demanding his attention, with no intention of giving up their real relationship year from. 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Has to be inspired over the long term would also even leave home anymore dont care what external...