I have one friend who was particularly egregious about this (oh, you invited your boyfriend to a brunch? I also have this insecurity that most people dont really like hanging out with me, so deep down, Im kind of concerned that they mightve changed the plans and forgotten about me when they let everyone know OR that they changed their mind about hanging out with me but havent come up with a graceful way of canceling. It also covers how to avoid awkward silence, attract amazing friends, and why you don't need an "interesting life" to make interesting conversation. I love playing host, its true, but I use that phrase consciouslyplaying host. Its a role that I choose to put on, and it is not one that I would expect (or want!) Side note in regards to the hosting habit as something that is not done AT other people but is really about the host: Remember those episodes of FRIENDS when they switched apartments and Monica was desperate to have people come to the apartment she was in because she loved being the one who hosted? Yeah, definitely my building has a lock on the front gate that can only be opened with a key, no buzzer/code to punch in/etc., so my friends have to text me in order to get to my doorbell anyway; I would rather they just text me and have me run out to the car to save them the trouble of parking! Some of my mothers friends assume that its only polite to call when youre in the area and see if they want to hang out, and some of my generation shame-clean less than other people. Yeah. 3. It hurts so much, LW, and Im so sorry this is happening to you. My ideal is a phone call from a passenger as the driver gets close, or a phone call by the driver from the loading zone. Fancy a glass of wine at mine"has worked on me. But in a city, where street parking is hard to find and the only option is to circle the block forever or else park in such a way that someones driveway is blocked (ahem, see my rant a few comments up), it just doesnt make any sense to do that unless you are specifically planning to visit the persons home before going out. Ive had people get upset with me before because if I am not expecting a visit/you have not called/you have not asked in advance, I straight up will not answer the door, period, end of sentence, unless it is an emergency of some kind. People in my life have been annoyed I dont come to something when they know I was in the room when they were talking about it. Someone showing up at work means I suddenly have to juggle multiple of those states at the same time, and it is socially tiring. If you are super-handy and you want to help, you could throw that out there, I love an allen wrench. Im fine. 1 pm. Not saying this is a sensible way to do things, but for anyone else readingyes, sometimes it does slip peoples minds!). I have a friend who clearly, desperately wants to be in my social circle and has tried to push the issue in a number of ways. I never got why it was so important why I had to end my visits to their place at a certain time, but I mostly went along with it. Britney: Well, now youre awake, so get ready and lets go. I love being around people and socializing, but only if Ive had time to gain some energy/prepare for these hangouts. Whatever actually made him angry (my tortured hypothesis, simple embarrassment at being caught not working, sheer cussedness) was probably very hugely not about you. Often the person will say oh keep doing what youre doing, I wont be a bother but having somebody else in my house is not relaxing or conducive to me doing things I was in the middle of doing. They would be all excited to go out on Friday night, explicitly invite me but not set up any details, then the day before or day of, I would text so where are we going and when? then hear nothing back. Guy: Good! I cringe looking back on friendships where I was getting soft nos for literally months and cheerfully failing to put them into context (Hmm, maybe this person who is always busy and never calls me back doesnt want to see me! An ex-partner of mine used to plan their scheduling (work, social and romantic) very tightly. Other people find it a very productive way to be, however. From the angle Im looking, her best friend is trying to decrease the closeness or frequency of interactions in this relationship, and the LW hasnt quite gotten that message yet. If the guy were my boyfriend, not just someone Id gone on a few dates with, it would either be fine or, if Id wanted to do something before everyone came over, mildly annoying. I just didnt realize that when someone starts coming down on you hard for doing something as innocuous as dropping by at the wrong time, the problem isnt with the etiquette rule; its with the relationship.. Why wouldnt we invite you! 5. We laughed and cried together. Youre going to show our friend the bike and then ride away on your bike. - JAD Aug 1, 2017 at 14:12 3 "Do take pictures" could be an alternative - JollyJoker Aug 1, 2017 at 14:44 9 What is it about gaming people that makes them like this? I am generally the organiser of things in my social life and I normally follow the ask twice guideline that the Captain mentions with the occasional rinse and repeat in a month or two if I hear nothing and still want to see that person. So I think it has a context where its useful. Im loving the fictional examples everyone is giving here. Make sure you have everything you use every night but don't act like you're going on vacation for a week. Wow, hey, no, that was not a reasonable reaction on his part. How to invite yourself over to someone's house. For sure! I used to live in a house with several friends that was considered a party house, so we had random people dropping by all the time, and it was never really locked, as there was always someone there. If youre her friend and she likes you, she actively enjoys unexpected knocks on the door and quick visits that end up taking the entire afternoon. I dont think I know anyone without a cell phone, so let me pick up the random stuff that wanders out into the family room and put it back where it climbed out of. Its also a good way to practice self-care, by saving your time and attention for people who reciprocate. I used to do that because Ive had several friends (or friends) who had a tendency to cancel at the last minute. And very rarely is the answer reschedule. We have no enemies!. Be clear about when you plan on arriving and leaving. If a bunch of friends are planning a road trip or going camping. This is a serious problem in our tabletop games groups. They allowed me to make soft nos and those soft nos were more often accepted, because hey, were asking if youre free right now so if you say no well go do our thing and move on with our lives instead of sending a bunch of follow up texts trying to lock you in to a date. A group of friends may be totally open to new people joining them, but are so close with each other they unintentionally give off an air of being exclusive. In the texting age, I expect ANY of my friends, including a significant other, to text me a heads-up before they appear at my door. One of my flats about ten years ago, when we had our housewarming party a guy turned up about three hours before the usual start time about 6 I think, and even at 9 you wouldnt expect many people to have arrived yet. First, apologize for coming over uninvited at an inconvenient time. Word. If the event involves just your one friend, and a handful of their friends you don't really know. I just had my birthday party, so I had a bunch of friends over last weekend, and my apartment hasnt been so clean since.I threw my birthday party last year, I think. Like your guy friends have said, girls are not stupid. My comment is still partially relevant however, in that it may feel more intrusive to have a visit at home rather than at work, given that work is a non-private space. The easiest way to get a guy to invite you over is to suggest the idea to him in a way that will make it nearly impossible for him to say no. Then she's probably looking for an exciting night between the sheets. People Have neighbors. There are old social scars that still ache. By agreeing on brutal honesty we can both have a good time while were having it, and end it when were not. Was I being rude to talk about my sister's nintendo switch? Seriously. So I guess the implications will just have to come along too. Oh Lord, yes! Wanna join, Wee_Ramekin?). I take the view that if my partner is welcome then theyll tell me Hey, would you and D like to come? or D would be welcome too if he can make it! If hes not specifically mentioned then we both assume that the invite is just for me. She almost immediately told me something along the lines of, "Great, when should we meet up at your house to play?" Lets do this afternoon thing I want to do. But it is very difficult to answer my son who keeps asking if he can have a playdate with T. Telling him that we have asked him twice, and now we have to wait for him to say something before we can ask again, just results in but I really, really want to play with T. Offers of inviting someone else over get, Can we ask T instead? I can keep redirecting that question, and even give a really specific no, because, but I really would like to invite T over, either to our house or to a neutral area like a local park. This was actually THE reason we didnt end up dating. It can feel highly embarassing that you cant maintain higher standards. I grew up thinking Im socially odd and terrible at body language, but it turns out Im just odd. I dont know if it was the same kind of thing for you, but my father and stepmother were always doing the Im going to ask you what sounds like a question but it really isnt and then shame you for failing to have manners I havent actually taught you and oh what an embarrassing child you are game. Im also really careful not to ask my daughter for her preferences unless I really plan on taking them into consideration. Without any advance notice to me, he would often invite along one or two other friends (of his, not mine). You may also want to give her advance warning before dropping by the office; it sounds like shes more receptive to surprise visits there*, but since you say youve felt her pulling away lately, its probably a good idea to double-check with her before popping in unannounced. Want to come? The issue of social anxiety has been brought up already, but maybe they have, say, a job that saps all their social energy and they want to spend their day off resting and browsing tumblr? Sigh. Sometimes it's totally fine. Did you want some company / help? Its funny, because my boyfriend is the opposite. I am always super nervous that when I say hey, can Boyfriend come along to this big group thing were doing? that people say yes just to avoid social conflict and they all actually are pissed or something. 1.6. I'm currently working with clients who live in Ontario, Canada: Copyright 2006-2023 SucceedSocially.com. Followed by pedicures and an outdoor screening of Clueless? That is why some even go as far as comparing it to playing chess. With these, its not just about manners, and ways that those diverge, but about where the relationship is, and people having different ideas of that, and also about people having different feelings about what solidity of relationship allows what sort of casual space-sharing. Show up with boyfriend to events that had a small guest list, like a sit-down dinner that was being hosted/paid for by someone else. Are you going to start showing up at my home when I was counting on alone time and I look like a raggedy doofus because Im wearing an old tank top and a sports bra?. I think I feel like the confirmation text allows for that while still letting me save face if those fears are realized? And if I were that one in a situation and someone brought it up before or after I would wonder if they were doing it passive aggressively and I would be reevaluating our relationship a bit. You're not a late-night option and you're certainly not a 24-hour drive-thru pick-up window. What does this mean for transportation etc.. Actually, I think you really nailed it with !Plus it can feel for me like, whoa, are you going to do this a lot? Can you go to the toilet without panicking? Arrangements with friends have all been clear so far. Le sigh. Of course all of that is also because I live in Chicago and we live w/in walking distance of each other and shops and things. I have physical pain on a not-infrequent basis. It's a public place. You might continue by offering to make him one of your favorite meals for supper that you know he would enjoy or a dessert that will blow his mind. I know that probably seems like a small/petty distinction, but in terms of the LWs question I just want to emphasize how much more fun ALL aspects of hosting are for me when I know about them in advance. Do you want to catch up? Yes. Ive disabled Hangouts on all my devices. Like, weddings often include a cost per person and youre not going to suck up that cost for everyone and their dog just because they want to come. This obviously requires some negotiation about how many social units Im willing to invest in which people, and how enthusiastically they respond. There are so many places and cultures out there, maybe its still normal for some people? Im yet another person who doesnt go to things unless explicitly invited. Myself I like more notice. But Im not ok w/ other people seeing that (especially when its messy instead of just cluttered). This is the craziest way I see guys blow their opportunities. If you havent either asked me to pass your invitation OR invited him directly, you havent invited him. You can make plans to meet up with them during their lunch hour, but you dont interrupt them whilst theyre working; I dont know if thats a British (specifically London) thing though. 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